好想，将眼泪与心都封闭起来。

一段又一段的感情结束。
一次又一次的在别人面前强颜欢笑。
一次又一次的掩盖自己的悲伤。
只求你真的会快乐一点。
我的心，好像又再次的封闭。
或许在别人眼里，
这对我，真的很不公平。
但，当你们选择这样伤害我时，
一次一次的，
渐渐习惯，
折腾自己的感觉。
让我悲伤留给自己。
好想，将眼泪与心都封闭起来。
让伤害减到最少。。

一个人。。习惯了

如果可以的话，
我真的希望，
不要再说爱我。
我要的，
并不是轰轰烈烈的爱情。
也不是短暂的情感。
而是，一段细水长流的恋情。
我需要的，
不过是，
一个能聆听的人，
一个在我累垮时，
能依靠的肩膀。
如果，你们没办法，
给我所需要的，
千万不要再说，
爱我。。。
我的生命里，
或许，有太多的不公平
但，我早已学着，
一个人勇敢面对，承受
习惯了吧.. =)

thanks wy..but du lan at home..

my mom is literally nagging n nagging n nagging..about how i have been spending my money..lolx..keep coming in to nag..feeling damn fucking fucked up..ccb!!! hoping those who haven return me money pls return to me asap..if not my mom is going to nag until i go mad..fuck!!!!!! anyway..wy..thanks for the chat just now..after keeping to myself for so damn long..really need a brother to talk about it after so damn long..i really swear..if anyone dare to say i hurt her..i going to slap the person upside down..its been 1 year plus already i guess..just hope no one is going to bring it up ever again..lolx

going gym to vent all my frustrations at once! =)

我的过去。。。

回想起过去，发现原来18年来的生日。
从来没有什么特别的庆祝，
对我而言，其实，那只是一个再普通不过的日子。
从我4岁开始，父母都没再替我庆祝。
因为4岁那年，妈妈的3哥去世，而且是在我生日的那段时间。
一直到中4那年，我们有一个class gathering 的烤肉会..
而且刚和章娥在一起。
可是那年的生日，
章娥因为害羞，连‘我爱你’和‘生日快乐’
都没说。
17岁生日，我们吵架。
18岁那年，我就自己待在家里。
自己给自己庆祝。
明年，我想，不会例外。。 =）
或许，心里面，有点渴望。
可是，却早已习惯了。。

i have been typing everything that has happen in the past..it all hurts when those memories hit back..guess i will not post that entry..或许真的是报应。当初选择放弃慧玲，在她需要我时，我从不曾过问，她需要的，是什么。之后的恋情，全部在我最需要她们时，都不曾在我身边陪伴着我。不曾走进我的世界，不去了解，我需要的是什么。。我要的，不过是，在我撑到累的时候，有一个依靠。这要求，太过分了吗？？

i simply have no idea why everyone n everything is leaving me like nobody's business..i am starting to wonder..我到底哪里做的不够好？

a BIG warning!! nv lose concentration while doing weights! u might die a terrible death..like having a 10kg weights hitting ur head..lolx..

my day

nelson got free tickets to wild wild wet..so we meet at 11am at pasir ris downtown..end up..wild wild wet open only at 1pm.. =.= so we went to eat at foodcourt..lolx..got one ang mo girl super hot then xinhao me n nelson keep looking at her..was hestiating whether should i go wild wild wet cuz i am suppose to give tuition for fushan..but end up she can't make it after 4..so its cancelled..went to swim..gosh..1.8m n got wave..i can't even stay up on the water surface..cannot float.. =( if not can enjoy myself even more..lolx..me n nelson laughing until no strength due to our mr anthony..anyway..went back to 813 but no one there and its a wednesday!! thought they will come down..lolx..end up they at lan..went over there to look for them..and i saw Kane playing..Fuck!! cannot go training can go play lan..stupid asshole..play at the bball court near to sports hall..lolx..the rim is like so super big..play a 4-on-4 match..3sets n we won 2 out of 3.. =D had fun but anthony quite du lan wif the opponent..hahas..anyway..stella n stanley, phyllis n kaixiang seems to have problems in their relationship..hope everything is fine! =) that will be all for today i guess..going to study soon..bye!

sian

going to be quite a long post i think..erm..junwei called in the middle of the night on sat ask me accompany him training..so we ran from my hs to east coast park..to bedok jetty n back again..we had breakfast at mac then we ran to my place..he sleep over at my place then i go give tuition..after tuition meet family at marine parade to eat..after that go find my 'gan ma' as my parents went to buy 'hope' in cold storage..after that went home n prepare to go out meet liting for dinner..met her at sing post before going parkway..went there n its like..we better dun go parkway next time..its like so guilty..dun dare go cold storage find gan ma n ah kim..lolx..anyway..dinner at swensens and i guess it..she really eat baked rice..she damn cute lor..her reaction when she drank the 'cookie monster' drink..hahas..well..do hope she enjoy her dinner..cuz dun wish that dinner wif me will remind her about something.. =) after dinner..she keep pushing money to me..from parkway to popular to east coast..lolx..well..i manage to treat her! =) hehe..anyway..on the way walking back to parkway de bus stop..my headache came back..lolx..send her home then i walk the track under the mrt..i tripped n fall on the way..totally no strength to stand up..lol..walk to sing post n i went straight to the toilet n vomited..lolx..rest awhile at sing post before going back home..lolx..wore my jeans n sleep till the next morning cuz nv go bathe..lolx!!

then went to eat at my hs downstairs then go give augustine tuition..on my way back..two girls ask for my no. in bus..reach home..watch spain trash angola..lolx..study week already..but its more like a period of time for me to replenish my sleep time..lolx..taught fumin n fushan tuition today..then tml going wild wild wet wif nelson n anthony..after that teaching fushan again cuz her science paper is on thurs..lolx..guess that will be all..i cut away quite a no. of details.. =)

mom going to scare me to death..news say those who sleep less than the no. of hours they are suppose to..have a higher chance to get high blood pressure..then my mom say my dad got high blood pressure so i might get 遗传。means the chance of me getting high blood pressure is like..more than 50% =.= dun dare tell her where i not feeling well now..hahas..

balling today!! shuang!

perfect balling day today! so happy..my long lost form n feelings in school team came back..yipee!!!! super fun..play a 4-on-4 with some stupid ppl..guess they are from tp? we win by 7-0 at first..i contributed almost all of the 7.. =) then..they caught up in the end..hmm..my boys still not that 稳 but can see all of them are improving!! =) end up..they win 11-10..lolx..then we play 5-on-5 full court wif another group of tp guys..hooray!! so fun lor..we won n i keep going for fast brakes..shuang shuang shuang sia!!! oh ya! i got one super nice behind the back pass to ernest..yet he miss that basket!! :( super sad lor..i will be like damn high if that ball go in..hahas..hit a no. of 3 pointers today n a lot of fast brakes..happy happy happy!! ji gen came today then me n him play some game..end up i did like more than 70 push-up at bball court..STUPID JI GEN..nvm..i pay u back by winning horse..hehe..oh ya..while doing lay-up..that fucking china guy that we almost had a fight last time(cy broke her lcd screen that day) bang into me n make me fall, now my butts hurt!! =( ccb..i swear if he nv say sorry i will definitely bash his face..since ji gen is there..dun need scared..hahas..nana came over 813 quite early then leave for servicing her touch phone..hahas..damn funny..early in the morning she so du lan due to her hp..lolx..


meeting her tml..hope she will be feeling better tml?? loves

tiring but memorial day

lessons end at 4 then i took bus back home n sleep until 6.45..lucky tuition was change to 8pm..taught wanling until 9.30..rush over for..BROTHERS meeting..gosh..MISS THEM LOTS!! 121 is full of memories of our brotherhood life..hahas..though only wy zy n lh there..brothers still brothers..crap like no tml..hahas..yeah!! me n wy no lessons tml..sleeping late n wake up late tml is a MUST!! wy need return ms skates..so..zy wy n me walk over to bedok north sec(ms stay right beside school) ms nv join us cuz he had his dinner at 8pm =( nvm..next time..hahas..walk zy to his place then me n wy walk n crap n smoke on the way to ubi that bus stop..err..kinda lucky..memories of zhang'e nv pop out..know she is well n happy wif her current bf..just hope she really appreciate him.. =) wy took 45 n i took bus 21..alight then saw a group of girls at the void deck..suddenly one of them call me n run towards me n hug me..gosh..xiuting! lolx..its been a really long time..first thing she says after 5 years not seeing:"omg..ur face still zhang bu da, kawaii..confirm still popular among girls rite?" kao..thanks hor ting.. =.=

going down soon for junwei special training..he says he really miss those days we fought together as a team..haix..guess the only thing i can do now..is to help junwei to move up to another level..he is training wad coach ask me did before to train my 3 pointers..jiayou junwei!!! =)

nth to do..

blogging in blk 23 level 5 de comprog lab..lolx..headache as usual now..nth better to do so blog lor..bored bored bored..hope lesson from 3 to 6 is cancel..then i can go home rest before giving tuition at 7pm..stupid headache..go away!!!! =( fever go liao..now headache getting worst..wth!!

i miss her so much! =( LOLX..

13th aug

wake up in the morning then go school for 1 bloody hour of maths 3 n the teacher teaching something already learn in A maths n not tested in exam..so..went there for attendance only.. =.= anyway..the two girls in my maths class who ask my no. yesterday was sitting in front of me today but very shy to talk..lolx..took bus 28 after school home..the journey i suddenly felt super giddy n feel like vomiting..so xin ku! home n eat panadol then mom force me to eat something before going to my room to rest..sleep until 1plus then prepare go 813 find philip go queensway as jersey got some problem..lucky got bring my shades wif me..i walk from tamp inter to 813 n the sun is sooooooooo big..lol..balling at 813 until 4 plus then leave for queensway..stella going boon lay for match so drop her at queenstown mrt so easier for her..then go queensway shopping centre..bloody stupid shop..really in the middle of nowhere..after settling the stuffs..me n philip go parkway n the journey is about an hour plus..lucky laopo ipod nv abandon me lor..(she did yesterday!!) lolx..slack around until 8 plus he went find his parents then i go cold storage find helen to chat..end up helping her wif the shelfing..ok lah..not many customers today..took bus 197 back home n wow..so many stars..anyway..ying msg me on my way back n ask me for some help..so end up..i reach home n go out again just because of her..went find jie for help..thanks so much wor jie!!! =) thanks so much for the chat! thats all for today i guess? hope i feeling better tml..lolx..take care ying..

sunday updates

went to parkway in the afternoon to buy my slippers..n went visit my 'gan ma'..leaving de time end up its raining so i smoke outside kfc there de smoking area..suddenly wy called ask me where am i..he was on his way to pp so we met n went walk around before having our lunch at mos burger. slack n chat alot..about girls, hockey/basketball n our secondary n poly life..hahas..then we went to katong play pool before i leave for my godma hs..dinner at godma hs..then stay there until 9plus then i walk home..halfway through..i fainted..lolx..got one uncle walk past n woke me up..i rest awhile there n went home..thanks the uncle for the helping hand..hmm..can't be bothered what is the reason also..lolx..watch USA vs China..lolx..china supporters are bunch of losers...boo-ing usa players when they having free throws..anyway..score..101 to 70..USA won!!! and as i expected..yao ming nv score more than 20 points..only got 13 nia..lousy asshole..only tall n nth else..thats all for this entry..

心好痛。。。

love for u..........

不要问我为什么我会这么爱你。因为我自己也不知道。从我向你表白那天起，我只知道想保护你，不让你受伤。爱护你不让你害怕。你可以拼命伤害，让我离开。。我却，早已把心，留在你那里。。心，早已以因为你，一直在逃避，受了伤。我却不会放弃。我的心，早已认定你就是‘它’一直在寻找的‘她’。受了伤，我还是选择继续走下去。。就算哪一天，存在你的眼里的人，不是我。我也不曾想要放弃。。想一直这样守护着你。直到，你愿意接受，一只什么都没有的企鹅，唯一拥有的，就是一颗爱你的心。




不放弃，直到最后一刻，直到哨声响起。这场比赛，哨声响了吗？？ guess when u see this blog..u are running away again..going to tell me dun think too much and u only wanna be my jie..saying i deserve better girl than u..but..

要我不要想太多，却当夜深了，闭上眼，全都是你的影子。
你说要永远当我的姐，我却无法把你当姐姐看待。
说有更好的女生，不要浪费时间等你。
可是，爱一个人，要爱她的一切，
优点，缺点，都包容。
所以，现在，未来，眼里，心里，
你才是最完美的。。。。。。。。

national day..

hmm..few days nv update le..just going to blog about wad happen today..out to meet junwei in the morning to help him wif his training..then he went my place bathe then we went out to katong..thanks for the chat n stuffs..i am feeling better le..n thanks thanks for the super big surprise in the morning..love it.. =D he actually want go to bugis to shop for some stuffs..but cuz meeting liting..so i nv accompany him..but..when leaving hs the time saw her msg..her fever came back n it was raining super heavily..so not meeting today..

廖丽婷，when u see this post..pls take care of urself!!! dun let ppl everytime need to worry about u can? piggy!!! love u lots..照顾自己喔！

anyway..went to godma place cuz mom wanna watch fireworks..then..xinyee jie jie n xinmei jie jie ask me about my friendster pic..ask if i got smoke..so got no choice..need to bluff them say that one is my friend de..just playing nia..lolx..

anyway..went gym for..err..30mins..i chiong wad i wanna do until no strength..lolx..

no. of sticks today.. 1

my love for u..not dying..3 years, 5 years..i will wait..

我不知道自己说的话，是否是他曾对你说过的。你有没有想过，为什么我会在你对爱情还有阴影时，告诉你我喜欢你？？其实原因很简单，我想，用我的爱，去弥补他在你心里所造成的伤害。因为，你值得幸福！在你伤心难过时，告诉你，我爱你，是我对自己的一个承诺。一个不可以再伤害你的承诺，一个不会让你，在爱情里再度受伤的承诺。你应该知道，我不会那么容易放弃，就算拼命把我推开，我还是会守护着你。因为，我的心，已经无法自拔，喜欢上你。所以无论发生什么事，我不会离开你，只要你需要我，我一直会在！爱你，疼你，关怀你的方式，或许不是你最喜欢的，但并不表示，不是全心全意。我无法接受任何人想要走进我的世界，因为这冰冷的世界，只因为你曾给过的拥抱，溶化。。。我不能给你，你所想要的一切。你想早点嫁人，我无法给你，当兵，事业稳定，还有好一段时间。。我所能给你的，是一个，全心全意爱着你的我。。一个稳定的爱情，长长久久，直到结婚生子，是我一直的梦想。

廖丽婷，当你看到这个entry时，只想让你知道，就算拼命想让自己离开你，忘记你，骗自己不爱你，我的心，却无法接受这个谎言。对你的关怀，早已成了一种习惯。。逼自己不去msg你，却无法骗自己，我不在意你。我不知道，你如何才会接受，在你身后，等待的我，只想告诉你，我爱你！

my stupid day

3 main thing that happen today..

firstly..went school n a girl gave me a love letter..asking me be her bf..with her phone no. on the letter..

secondly..dinner wif nelson, anthony, xinyi n jena..then back to 813..after that..home sweet home..

thirdly..SPRAIN MY ANKLE WHILE CLIMBING UP THE STAIRS..n ROLL down the stairs..well..i sit down there for more than 30 mins before i can stand up n slowly went home..heng mom nv notice anything wrong wif me..phew..
conclusion..ITS DAMN PAIN!!


knew u were sick from ur blog..take good care of urself lah..stupid ah ma..get well soon n back to ur work..lolx..loves..

sunday-3rd august

mom n dad went batam wif godma n cousins..so today..only me n bro at home nia..woke up in the morning then go give tuition..ankle start to ache halfway through the tuition..PAIN!!! lolx..after tuition..went to buy a pack..took bus 76 back home took some money go buy wan tan mee to eat..rest awhile then joe call..so i went 813 to meet him..pass him back the 'L change the world' dvd..took bus 67 then sleep in the bus until even more tired..went 813 then no one there lor..call ah joe..he still at home..lolx..wait for him to come down then accompany him go eat..back to 813 slack a little while he decided to go home..so..i went to bus stop n took bus 67 again..i sit down in front of a girl..suddenly she tap my shoulder when i was listening to my 'laopo' (ipod touch)singing.. ask for my no. then alight at the next stop..lolx..i sleep a little in the bus..then went home..toilet was the first thing in mind.. =D then then then..my 'laopo' died after i settle my business in toilet.. =D thanks 'laopo' love u lots!!!!!!! well i seems crazy..but she is the only THING that accompany me always..nv left me alone when i need her.. =D

home n sleep from 5pm till my dad called at 9pm.. =D ask if i eaten dinner already..n of cuz..NO..lolx..xiao peng(cousin bf) come fetch me then go '六月' eat..wa..damn damn damn full lor..went to godma hs..try my new t-shirt..cousin buy de..thanks thanks..love it.. =D xiao peng send us back after godma went to bed..

no. of sticks today:5

a stupid saturday

tiring day..slept at 3plus in the morning n wake up at 8 plus to meet nelson n ji gen at kembangan mrt cuz our boys having training there wif kane father?? ji gen say meet 9.30 n i was late..but..i reach kembangan liao..they haven reach..in other words..they are later..i smoke my first stick of the day outside mrt station while waiting for them..then got this 'meimei' in grey skinny came n ask for my no. =D i only look at her nia..nv put 'electricity' hor..dun accuse me say i anyhow 'dian'

lolx..rumours passing around saying kane dad is ex-singapore team member??? lolx..saw his dad play today..played 4-on-4 wif him n he nv train the boys..lame..i swear kane's dad is nv a singapore team player..the way he defend n offend..i will chop my head off if his dad is a national team player..ernest say kane's family in a team very difficult to beat..i think i go find my bedok north sec sch team 2004 second team can 'chop' them into pieces liao! =.=

went for training at ACS with nelson, ji gen, mervin, kai xiang, shawn phua n ernest..well a bloody stupid training today..i damn du lan..got one stupid 'black' guy in my team say 'dude, dun fall in love with urself' just because i cut in myself..(reason being:coach ask me to cut in instead of passing to jerry) of cuz i need to do wad coach says rite? so i directly 'shoot' him back..say is coach ask me to cut in one..not happy is it? lolx..coach make me play point guard the time..he drinking milk at home lor..asshole! i missed the lay-up cuz kaixiang scratch my hand lor..now damn pain..stupid kai xiang..lolx..then give me that black assgive me stupid face..almost whack him lor..

hmm..took bus 67 after training to tampines inter n change 293 to blk 820 to eat..journey towards tam inter..me kaixiang ernest mervin xiaopang nelson sleep through the journey at the back-seat of the bus..i got my new make pillow today(shoe bag wif my jersey) so shu fu lor!! hehe..eat le..went 813 play one-on-one wif kaixiang again..score..11-8..i won.. =D was slacking most of the time..hehe..sorry kaixiang for not putting in my 100% after that..went home in the super crowded bus 67..i want back my jersey!! miss my jersey so so so so so much!!!! =(

intending to quit smoking le bah..1 stick today.. =)

a memory refresher..lolx!!

suddenly feel like blogging all about my serious relationship..lolx..

ying(1st gf): Age when i am attached-10 to 11..
hmm..sorry wor..our class is just so childish that make us break cuz of some misunderstanding..we are immature at that point of time anyway..
words for her: jiayou in bball n always happy wor..dun everytime moody i still need to cheer u up.. =P Besties forever!!!

hui lynn(2nd gf) :Age when i am attached-12..(first kiss lost here) =D
hmm..its my fault..i am immature so choose to give up as i am not confident..so sorry for hurting u..thanks for the sweet memories u have given me..as time goes by..i realize how childish i am to let u go..
words for her: stay cheerful always..hope the one u find is ur true happiness! =) last long till marriage k?? jiayou!! =D friends forever!!

xinrui(3rd gf) : Age when i am atttached-15
hmm..her dad found out about it..so we ended up breaking up..anyway..i am truly sorry for not keeping to my promise to wait until after my 'o' level..
words for her: take good care of urself n good luck for ur o level results this year..jiayou jiayou jiayou!! friends forever!!

zhang'e(4th gf) : Age when i am attached-16
a relationship that hurts the most I guess..lolx..i promise someone nv to say out wad had happen in the relationship..so i think will just keep to myself here..its the longest relationship i had..a pity that we didn't last due to her character..she is my first gf that my whole family have seen le..
words for her: hmm..think u have changed for the better le..appreciate ur bf now..he seems trustworthy..nv be so foolish again to do such things to hurt urself..our relationship has ended..i can do nth but to give u the blessing to last long wif ur current bf..since u are avoiding me..there is nth i can do..i do hope one day i can get back my jersey from u..lolx..take care! =)

erm..guess its fine writing my fifth gf de name here bah..since ppl know le..
chinyan(5th gf).. Age when i am attached-18
a shortest relationship i ever have..but perhaps the only girl who are able to come into my life after hui lynn..lolx..but too bad..because of some issues here n there..we broke up..since thats her decision..i can only respect it..
words for her: hmm..seems that the decision u made is right..u are happy wif their existance..i will just have to let go..anyway..do hope we are still friends..including (u know..) =) hope u will be able to find ur true happiness soon!

friday..1/8/08

as usual..boring day..went to school for one hour..still feel so weird without my armani watch..damn it..i feel like skinning the person alive if i know is who took it..lolx..after that..accompany anthony n nelson went to sports hall find ji gen..then i went back 813..let them choose their no. n kazuki n philip fighting for no.10 jersey by playing one-on-one..philip won so kazuki took no.12 instead..i reminded my days when we fight for jersey no. I need to play one-on-one wif 5 members to get my no.9 jersey..lolx..hmm..well..reminded of the past..n my dearest captain n vice captain took the two no. i want..no.7 n no.11..so..i challenge them one-on-one..lolx..my ankle really cannot le lah..won kaixiang 5-3 n mervin 5-4..end up..my captain take no.4..thanks so much!! cuz i really hate no.9 now..

went to take bus 21 n saw one girl who lives at the same blk wif me wif her bf..she is in tp too..lolx..damn joker..i saw her wif her ex bf at our place de bus stop last time..then she saw me n zhang'e at ze's de bus stop when i was in year 1(think broke up wif that ex bf that time liao)..now i saw her wif her bf..when will it be her turn to see me wif my gf sia??? lolx..perhaps single is still the better..i dun need to waste my time arguing wif someone i care..lolx..went up the stairs saw my dad going down..after that..he call ask me bring something down for him..eat dinner wif my bro n went down again at 8 plus to pray..lolx..home..avoided some conversation..oh ya..My mom stunt me just now..i went out of my room to drink some water..then she was looking at me n my bro de baby pictures..n saying..my two sons so CUTE! MY GOD..lolx..my mom then cute lor.. loves u lot mommy!!! muacks!

不懂的自爱的人，没有资格去爱人。
我不会再伤害自己。
或许这一切是注定的。。
注定会让我一无所有。。
大家都放弃了，
我还为了什么撑得那么辛苦？
我已经看不清前方的路，
该怎么走。。。
一次又一次，
我迷失了我自己。。
再见了，鹏锐!